Just so you never wonder what in blazes I was thinking…

A friend and fellow cancer survivor, Leslie Tsui, mentioned to me that she had "set the record straight" with her kids after she was in remission. I loved that idea and shared the following my boys back in Sep 2019. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paul and Sidd, my adventure with cancer clarified that only God knows what happens next. Therefore, I wanted to share some thoughts. NOW. 😊 

1.      Forgiveness: I forgive you guys for anything you have done or will do.

2.      Luck: I am luckier than I can ever have envisioned to have the blessing of being your dad. Plus, I have been given the chance to live the years that are most important to me – your childhood years. (At least most of them, and perhaps all of them.) I am “biologically successful” and now I am shifting into the “bonus years.” I always had a good feeling about being a father, but "good" is a far cry from "sublime". I live in a province called Sublime.

Lego Party = Magically Focused 10 Year Olds

To celebrate Paul’s 10th birthday, we had a “Lego expert” come over and throw a Lego party.  6,000 bricks.  90 minutes of continuous instruction.  Drills on the names of specific pieces.  These boys were in the presence of one of their modern day shaman working the true magic of Lego as they had never seen before.

Outcome:  mesmerized, silent attention.  No fart jokes.  No crazed rampaging, wrestling, throwing, jumping.  Not even a desire for Nintendo, Playstation, etc.  Just hard core questions about why this piece and not that.  Rapid iterating and reworking of the assignment.  The instructor was nothing short of a mystic, casting a spell that Rasputin would have envied.

To add to the sense of mystery:  at the end of the session, all the boys frantically helped the instructor put away the thousands of bricks into their exact locations in the myriad of boxes.  Yes, the same boys who struggle to notice the disarray they create all around themselve on any other day.  Not sure where we had “gone to,” but damn it was amazing.

Once the session ended, it was time for burgers, fries and cake.  The familiar characteristics of time and space returned.  Will we do it again?  Shoot I sure hope so.

Getting Drilled, © 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

    
Boxes and Boxes of Fabulous Bricks, © 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

A Triumphant Day: Legos, Burgers, Cake, © 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Amazing Journey: Please, Avoid the Kid’s Menu

I know folks who will take their children to a fine dining establishment and then turn to the page of pedestrian choices like Chicken Fingers when it comes to choosing what their kids eat.  Why?

How does one go about expanding the horizons of young beings when in action you undertake such confining behavior?

We have gone out of our way to establish a simple approach.  “Take one Tyrannosaurus-sized bite of the items we order.  Then really taste it, feel the texture, smell the aroma, look at the dish.  Feel the hard, soft, hot and cold parts with your fingers. Rip it to shreds in every way you want.  After that, if you still feel it is not something you like, bravo, let’s order something else.”

The result has been certainly encouraging.  Both the 7 and 8 year old have little hesitation trying things.  When the opening question is “What’s a Gyro?”  as opposed to “I don’t like Gyro’s” you know you have a fighting chance.

The world is such a big place.  Every facet has to be approached like it may be the last time you traverse it.  Injecting that mindset into the food we eat certainly seems like like a way to set the stage for larger explorations, no?

Taiwanese Pork Burger, rather than chicken nuggets

Earning Your Success Thru Smart Homework

Paul and Sidd had the good fortune of joining the venerable Scouting tradition known as the “Pinewood Derby” back in March:  transform a block of wood into a car body; decorate as you wish; nail on 4 wheels; race it down a glorified Hot Wheels track.

Before embarking with them on this little adventure, I came across “Physics and the Pinewood Derby” – a DVD of lessons by a physics professor who is a Souts dad.  It was a great $15 investment.  The boys walked away understanding some nuanced concepts in the context of speed such as: center of gravity, and design; rotational inertia, and using 3 vs. 4 wheels; how to check for good alignment and great tires.

This clearly narrowed our effort and over the course of a couple of weeks we created these svelte, 4.96 ounce (the limit is 5 oz) little dynamos.  Along with the build itself, the boys embraced the professor’s test mentality and made choices: notably Paul chose to have 1 front wheel slightly lifted off the track (lower rotational inertia), but Sidd felt this may make the car drift to one side and chose all 4 will be touching.

One small surprise was that neither cared to dress up the car with flames, numbers, etc.  “I just want a fast car, dad” is how Paul summed it up.  Sidd concurred.

The upshot:  out of about 40 cars, Paul’s racer, “Speedy Gonzales” came in 1st in all 8 heats, and 1st overall; Sidd’s “Typhoon” came in 1st in 5 heats, 2nd in 2 heats and 3rd in one very fast one, and 2nd overall.  A 1st and 3rd grader had beat out racers as old as the 6th grade.

When they announced the results, Paul was in particular surprised.  As the more introverted one, it was an unexpected feeling to be in the cheering and limelight among peers, and come to the front front to get his award.

I for one liked their observations and lessons: Both boys commented they were happy to see their brother win.  Both made predictions before the racing began about the various designs, looking thru the professor’s physics lens.  They also learned that how a heat “looks” matters less than the actual numbers in terms of race times.  And to a limited degree, they saw that when time permits it can be mighty useful to learn from the best before you start.

Turning up the heat at the district races… 

The boys went on to the district races in May and were very pumped up.  Now, throughout the build they had commented on winning and I shared that the the prep is what they control, but ultimately it does come down to luck, and the other cars. Most important is that walked away knowing they did as much as they could to make the fastest cars possible.  I also highlighted that the districts would see the best of the best compete and this would be far tougher.

Well, the district races were eye opening, and frankly, humbling.  Other cars won at the end of the day.  Sidd, who has a burning desire to “win”, was in particular was taken aback as he watched the race times and saw that Typhoon was not the top contender.  I wish I had photographed the shocked look on his face as Typhoon came in 2nd and 3rd in the heats.  Going to the districts was not as wildly fun as they had expected.  And being humbled is not the same as the candy of winning.  But I think they walked away understanding there are bigger arenas, and all the diligent prep is for contenders who may be elsewhere. 

 

Speedy Gonzales in the Garage; Typhoon(#30), Copyright 2011, Abe Pachikara  (Click for larger images)

 

Speedy Places 1st; Typhoon Places 1st, Copyright 2011, Abe Pachikara

 

Speedy Stays Out in Front; Typhoon in Action, Copyright 2011, Abe Pachikara

The Race Crew, Copyright 2011, Abe Pachikara

The Pack at the End of a Big Night, Copyright 2011, Abe Pachikara

Firing Things Up at the District, Copyright 2011, Abe Pachikara

“Infinity is the God of Numbers”

So my 7 year old Sidd and 8 year old Paul have been in hot pursuit of superlatives for several months.  One that has left Paul particularly spellbound was my answer to “what’s the biggest number?” - - The notion of infinity has resulted in numerous follow-up questions.

Finally he came up to me and said, “you know dad, I‘ve been thinking and since God is everything, and infinity is the biggest number, infinity is the God of numbers and zero is the devil.”

When asked where zero fit in, he indicated, “see infinity is trying to make you the biggest number, and zero is trying to make you into nothing.  So zero is the opposite of infinity so it’s the devil of numbers.”

I then explained negative numbers and asked where they fit in.  He came back in an hour, “Okay so BOTH positive AND negative infinity are the Gods of numbers, and zero is still the devil.”

I do hope he keeps this abstract way of looking at things, and that I can help remove whatever may obstruct such thinking.

The Four Year Rule

When I was in my mid 20s I noticed I was suddenly interacting much more with my sister Cindy who is 6 years younger, but it was unclear as to why.  Did she suddenly become smarter or was there more to it?  After a lot of thought, I arrived at the “4 year rule” – that every 4 years our personas go thru a metamorphosis. As example, 3 and 7 year olds have nothing in common, nor 7 vs. 11, 11 vs. 15, even 15 vs. 19. The pace of personal development is so earth-shattering frankly. But then we get to our 20s and the pace eases up, a lot. Hence why I only discovered my sisters so late. 

The implication is that an age gap of greater than 4 years means you will not materially “share the ride” with your older or younger sibling.  Each child has what is essentially an “only child” and “oldest child” experience, working from zero insitutionalized knowledge regarding what to expect.

Now when I see young parents with say, a 2 year old, I wonder if they have in mind to have another baby, and if so, when.  Wait too long, and the younger one will only have an older sibling they know of, rather then know innately.

Diamonds in the Rough

It was bed time but Paul had one of those reflective questions, “Dad, why do we do so many things?”

I figured I knew what Paul was referring to, but played dumb. Like what?

“Well, we have to read, and play piano, and kick the soccer ball and other things. I don’t think we get enough time to relax, and you know, goof around like boys do” Once again his 8 year old introspective side had kicked in. Sidd concurred with ruffled eyebrows.

I left them, got Molly’s wedding ring, ran outside, got a rock, and came back. They love superlatives currently so I asked, Do you know what is the hardest rock in the world? It’s the diamond, like in mommy’s ring. See how shiny it is?

What followed was a fierce, concentrated inspection; one that only a youngster can do.

Did you know that a diamond starts out as dull as this rock? But if you rub it and polish it over and over, boy, after doing this for a long time, it starts to shine. Then we give it edges so it captures the light and throws it back at you with all those sparkles.

Sometimes people call an unpolished diamond a “diamond in the rough”. That is what you 2 are – our diamonds in the rough. And all that math, and music, and soccer and other things are polishing you into these amazing boys. We need to make it fun along the way and if it isn’t you tell me.

Paul looked off into he distance as he digested this analogy. “I think I get it now, Dad,” He clambered into bed; it was a start at outlining why he was in the various things he is. But there would be more to discuss, undoubtedly.

Polishing Diamonds: Never Order From the Kid’s Menu

How often have you seen the following:  You are at a capable restaurant, with a menu renowned far and wide.  But you notice the younger ones at the party next to you are eating chicken nuggets.  From the kitchen freezer! Prepared in a microwave!  Not the salmon cooked to a delectable nuance.  Nor beef from some remote grassy pasture, or mushrooms good enough for a sitting president.

Funny part is that we are at our most malleable when we are young.  Yet we all too often pass on the chance to create a transcontinental palette in our children due to some queasy look they had at some misty point in the past.  Rather than keeping a firm hand on the tiller, we retreat for frozen lunch food.  Had Tiger Woods dad asked Tiger at the age of 2 what he thought of golf (remarkably, Earl started Tiger down this avenue before Tiger was two) the mystified look of the baby would have killed the whole venture before it has started.

So nudge them into the culinary unknown. Talk of what they will see in Kyoto and have them try Tempura.  Discuss Gaudi’s grand architecture and order up the Tortilla Espanola.  Before you know it, they will be perusing the menu, calling out combinations they like and what to try next.  And you will have broadened their world well before their first excursion across the ocean

Why Photography?

In the 4^th grade, my father brought home a used Mamiya Sekor range-finder camera, of all things, from a medical conference.  I never did ask where he picked it up, but he took time on the very day of his arrival to share his thoughts on how photos come to be.  Since then, photography has been a persistent part of my journeys, like a slow burning ember that at times will pop into a flame before returning back to a quiet glow.

But why photography, rather than some other pursuit?  Well, nothing intrigues or delights me more than a photograph’s ability to help us “older folks” notice the nuances in life.  When humans are in their early youth, they are oblivious to time’s passage.  They will spend inordinate volumes of effort to notice details.  These young kunduns will scrutinize like art critics, ponder like philosophers, and dispassionately dismantle anything from food, to insects, to toys to better understand the essence of all the wondrous things around them.  As we grow, movement and pace rise in importance, and we notice less of the interwoven fabric that surrounds us.  The future worries us, the past dismays us and the current moment is ignored too easily.

That is where still images come in.  A camera, a patient eye, a trigger finger and our intuition can arrest the inflection points of the day.  The upshot: a moment’s essence is preserved into the uncharted future.  Later, when we look at a photo from say, 5  or 25 years ago, we cannot but help feel an emotion, be it a smile, frown, or perhaps sadness, seep into our being.   We remember a moment seemingly unnoticed when it occurred.  A narrow element of the photo has served as a key and unlocked a memory deep in the sleepy or introverted corridors our minds and hearts. It may be a distinctive smile, the cut of a dress, a faddish haircut, a long forgotten hangout, or the surrounding people.  All of these remembrances lurch into “motion” and the stories come forth the way a flash flood surges across a parched plain.  In doing so, photos reaffirm the tapestry we are part of.

 

Brothers...
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2009 (click for larger image)

Chuttumbee 2 Turns 6

One possible measure of how young at heart you are - - how carefully you track your upcoming birthday. Sidd followed his 6th the way the FAA monitors a 777 coming in from London; or how NORAD would have watched an ICBM coming in from Siberia. (I fear I am repeating an earlier post.)

"Only 73 more days left dad...." 18 days later, "Dad, there's only 55 days left to my birthday. Are you watching?"

Well the momentous day came in 3 stages:

• First a party in Atlanta at the house of his cousins Ava and Audrey.
• Then a little shindig at our place on the actual day. But by then he had decided one's "real birthday" actually occurs on the day of the official party.
• So finally we gathered with a few of his friends to go bowling, after which he casually let his brother open the presents for him. Paul did this with all the seriousness and duty of someone processing taxes, though the gleeful gleam in his eyes says that deep inside it was a different story.

I figure in about 8 months, it will be time to track the next incoming big day.


Finally Six Years Old...
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2009 (click for larger image)

Important Travel Gear

Always interesting is what a child considers important to take on a trip, without guidance from an adult. For a long overdue visit back in March to his Uncle Geoji in Austin, here was the contents of Paul’s carry-on (he was, in his own words, “almost 7 years old” at the time):

• Teddy, his confidant, don’t leave home without him


• Light saber, never know when it will come in handy


• Journal, to capture “mental pictures” as his teacher Mrs. H has asked for on many occasions


• Pencil / coloring pack, to ensure the visualizations are vivid


• 3 books to flip thru

Sidd followed suit in a somewhat expected, “monkey see, monkey do” fashion

Teddy is Ready to Go
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2009 (click for larger image)

Roadtrip Veterans

For anyone who has been on a bonafide roadtrip, you know that the real secret is how you discover your fellow travelers in ways you had never imagined nor expected. The journey is truly the destination, in good and bad ways. We were in Florida back in May for my cousin Ninon's wedding, and had the chance to head out to various venues. Here are shots on the return leg after visiting Cape Canaveral (worth the visit, btw).

We had never put Paul and Sidd in the very back until now but it was a master stroke. They had a hoot, and the howling, hammering and yelling was slightly more dissipated by having them at the very other end of the vehicle, and Molly, my mom and dad, and myself together. Luckily they are two good friends so the trip had not notable bad outcomes.

Spin, Bonk and Laugh
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2009 (click for larger image)

Prolific Creators

"No one works harder or with greater purpose than a child at play."


How true. And few toys feed the mind's imaginaton like Legos. The trick is to ensure the DaVinci in us stays unbottled so we ponder and explore at voracious rates. All the better where there is a sibling to bounce your ideas against.



Collaborators... Early Morning Concentration...
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

The thought that goes into these is at times remarkable. As example, the "Spaceship for Two" comes with an imposing gun pointed at the back of the pilot's head. But it is intended for bad guys. "Dad, if a bad guy pushes the pilot out of the chair and flies the spaceship, then the gun shoots him in the head so that he can't steal the ship." Wow. At age 5.

Police Car... Spaceship for Two

Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

Mountain Gondola...

Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

Young Ambassadors

In life, windows open up to play specific roles, and close just as quickly; ring bearer is one of those examples.

The boys were invited to be part of the wedding party for one of Molly's cousins, Tara, and one of mine, Anita. DC in August, Chicago in September.

And so for an ephemeral moment - - a mere slice of a weekend - - Paul and Sidd were awash in the limelight, showered with the sort of attention created by the intersection of toddler cuteness, and a tuxedo’s dapper regality.

To heighten matters, in just a few hours the church was transformed into a vehicle that brought excessive attention upon a these naive souls. At the rehearsal, everyone was in shorts, the place was empty, there's lots of smiles; it was a small band of exhausted people just arriving from long journeys, spurred into the relaxed conversation that comes with the reunion of friends and family. At the wedding, it was pew after pew of spectacular saris, banks of flashing cameras, even toddlers now in tuxes.

Given the August wedding was their first in this role, the metamorphosis of the church was a bit shocking. By the second event in September, they took this in stride. This ring bearer thing - easy. In fact, who's next?


There's too many people in this church...
- -Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)


Relaxing after a great show (Sidd, Ava, Paul, Annie)...
- -Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)


Trying to act like mature 7 year olds, before the Chicago ceremony ...
- -Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

"I Head Up Product Management"

"And what do you do?"

It's a question that people wind up asking one another at some point in an initial conversation. I have heard my dear wife Molly (and others in her position) answer, "I'm a stay at home mom" or something to that extent. This never sat well with me. While a true statement, well, it lacks the nuance, heft or breadth her role carries. I think a full-time mom or dad is one of the grander, elusive, frustrating and rewarding assignments one can have. Particularly those that go "whole hog" and home school their child or children. (As for those who juggle a career and raise children, that's sure looks like yet a different, intricate and at times nutty ballgame.)

Back to the original answer stated up front - it is too simplistic. Perhaps due to my days in advertising, I pondered how to re-craft it in today's language. If it was an advertising strategy, it would be something like this:

Convince: Friends and acquaintances (particularly those who don't have children)
That: A "full time" parent's responsibilities can be more challenging than meets the eye
Because: The role has many facets, similar to their own day job

The response that emerged is much different, "I head up product management at our place. That includes leading up design, development, build, test, pilot, launch, choosing the raw materials, more recalls than I care for, retooling, and re-deploying. Those are our 2 models, and I'm their mom."



Product Lead, and Her Works-in-Progress
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

"Seeing" More

Take a look at the following two creations. How would you describe them?

Most adults will say the one the right is a pretty cool vehicle perhaps out of Star Wars, or similar Sci Fi movie. The on on the left, well, it is some simple car.

When I ask this to our boys, I get the opposite answer. That is, the one on the right is a space ship, with many features, but nothing more. The one on the left is bundled details, laden with history and is actually pretty high in the current pecking order of all their toys. Both were created by Lego but the "simple car" has much of its details embedded far into their imaginations.

As such, I have gained a deep respect for what your average Lego brick unleashes in a child. What's dismaying is how this energy seems less evident as we get older, too much detail is handed to us, gets in the way of our own visions, and we see less of what is possible, and more often, only see what is here now.

To that end, I wonder if a serial entrepreneur is a child at heart (or in mind) packaged inside the shape of an adult. And how we can nurture this ability through their childhoods. One person who appears to have taken this to heart is Leonardo da Vinci. For a view into some of his practices refer to an interesting book called How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci.

Another Reduction of Services

One observation I made a long time ago is the ingenious design of sippy cups. Here is a vessel that lets you drink lying down. So you can luxuriate with that warm cup of milk, ideally delivered not just to your bed, but to your mouth, without emerging from your equally toasty array of blankets (that are slathered with your favorite story characters, vehicles and other points of inspiration). So you can drink without leaving your cocoon.

Then you turn some age that your parents have arbitrarily pegged as "too old" for that toddler stuff and foolishly, you agree. Gradually, you are weaned to head all the way to the kitchen for your morning drink. The whole seductive appeal of your former habit is insidiously diminished. Just one more way that we leave the ridiculously stunning service levels of our infancy (they feed you, bathe you, wipe your butt at the drop of a hat or for the tiniest wimper) for the self-serviced ways of our adulthood. Ah what to do...


Morning Milks, In the Cocoon, and Out - -
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

Feed your mind, with.... YouTube

Now that we have two young inquisitive ones with an insatiable appetite for knowledge, the computer reigns fairly supreme in answering so many questions. What does it look like inside your heart? Where do whales swim? How fast can a train go? What does a robin look like?

The competition for who serves as the expert is stiff. For example, to the question "what does it look like inside the skin?" my dad was second choice, despite winning a gold medal in med school for Anatomy, and being a retired surgeon who is both Board Certified and a member of the Royal College of Physicians. "Hmmm... daddy... I think we should look in the computer first." The truth is that even I am only being included because they cannot type their own search phrases.

And YouTube is pretty much near the top of the heap. If a pictures is worth a 1,000 words, how about video? The range is ridiculous too. I like to show them things like Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. They like to see the TGV going at 570 km/hr and Shinkansen zipping by. We've watched sumo wrestling, hummingbirds in flight, (lots and lots of) Thomas the Tank engine, Tomy train sets that would make your eyes pop, "how to" videos on downhill skiing, and jumbos landing in stiff cross winds in Hong Kong's old Kai Tak Airport. What a world, eh? How different, how wonderful.

Paul Drives, Sidd Rides "Shotgun" - -
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

Selecting the next video - -
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

Immersed - -
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

Full Flight - Basketball

One revelation to me is that at pretty much any age, we can show athleticism at remarkable levels. In watching Paul and his peers play basketball (and similarly soccer) I see bursts of intensity that are eye-popping in a manner not much different from what is demonstrated by a pro. Here is an example, a fast break (there are only fast breaks in toddler basketball). The rush of bodies down the court, in pursuit or in exhilarated observation of the ball handler was just pure joy for us spectators.

Breakaway - -
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2008 (click for larger image)

Rethinking Minimum Requirements for Fun

Little ones make it clear that fun requires way less than we presume. 

Each year in the Redmond, WA area we get about 5 days of snow.  And at the end of our cull de sac, there is a small downhill – literally a ~15 foot vertical drop.  Too small to be of any use, I say with derision.  I have seen the stupendous grandeur of Tahoe, Breckenridge and Whistler.

How completely wrong I was.  Our two lads would scream as they went down the hill, then trundle up despite being packaged like Charlie Brown, and do it again. Until they were ready to drop.

No lift tickets.  No fancy parabolic skiis.  Just two $9 plastic sleds.  And a pretty lame incline.  The result – sheer magic.

 

Another Run;  The Speed is Intoxicating
© 2007, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

 

Screams of Exhilaration;  Thundering By
© 2007, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Two Veterans of the Local Slopes
© 2007, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)