Just so you never wonder what in blazes I was thinking…

A friend and fellow cancer survivor, Leslie Tsui, mentioned to me that she had "set the record straight" with her kids after she was in remission. I loved that idea and shared the following my boys back in Sep 2019. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paul and Sidd, my adventure with cancer clarified that only God knows what happens next. Therefore, I wanted to share some thoughts. NOW. 😊 

1.      Forgiveness: I forgive you guys for anything you have done or will do.

2.      Luck: I am luckier than I can ever have envisioned to have the blessing of being your dad. Plus, I have been given the chance to live the years that are most important to me – your childhood years. (At least most of them, and perhaps all of them.) I am “biologically successful” and now I am shifting into the “bonus years.” I always had a good feeling about being a father, but "good" is a far cry from "sublime". I live in a province called Sublime.

Jeff Shushan's Intrepid Guidance

After a number of meetings with Jeff Shushan, a seasoned advisor on relationships in stress, Molly, myself and Jeff had agreed to prepare for a profoundly important milestone: we were going to undergo a trial separation. It was November of 2013.

Polishing Diamonds - Daily Prayers

For the past 10 years, I have led our two boys in prayers at the end of their days, every Sun - Thur. Fri and Sat are a bit scattershot due to various whimsical distractions that will keep us up. The boys are now 11 and 13 and it is deeply ingrained into their bedtime routine.

Celebrating Another Priceless Day © 2013, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

When it began it was a whimsical, wild and wooly adventure – Sidd was just under two years old, and thrilled in crawling off (I’d grabbed one of his legs and dragged him back to the routine).  Meanwhile Paul liked to just snuggle, not caring if he had his hands together or what we were supposed to say. (I have a video I can post later.)

“Is this worth the hassle?” was a common question to myself.

But humans are creatures of habit, and the power of reflecting is not lost to us, even as toddlers.  What started as a simple set of blessings to the family evolved to more introspection and gratitude.  I am pretty elated of where this the investment has landed to date.

The prayer routine has settled into a set of recurring components:

• Family: Pray for our immediate and extended family - now very routinized
• Thanks: Call out at least 3 things to be thankful for - for me this is THE single most important part as I do feel people just don't take the time to appreciate the +100,000 things that are going not just well, but fantastically, in their lives relative to 99% of the rest of humanity. I do want our boys to have DEEP appreciation of their blessings.
• One Ask: Think forward to tomorrow, this week, even this month and clarify one place where you want help
• Health: Pray that people who are sick will get better
• Death: Pray for people who have died & their grieving families
• Closing prayers: Say a few standard prayers - - in our case, the Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be, and Angel of God

Here is a sample of the typical run down from a few years ago. These are all in the Catholic tradition – a habit of prayer is the larger point.

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

[Family]

Please bless Mommy, Daddy, Paul and Siddo.

Please bless Ava, Audrey, Nancy-Auntie, Tony-Uncle, Geoji-Uncle, Pappa, Momma, Amma, Appa, Cindy-Auntie, Susie-Auntie, Momma, and everybody else.

[Thanks]

Thank you God for the son, the moon, the stars, the trees, the plants, the mountains and the flowers.

Dad: Sidd, what do you want to say thank you for?

Sidd: Ummm, thank you God for playing soccer with some 5th Graders and scoring on them, and for the sunshine and for mom making pork chops. And for tomorrow, I want help to read a lot in my book challenge.

Dad: Paul?

Paul: Thank you God for the BigHistoryProject and helping me answer what agriculture is, and for not raining when I walked to school, and that tomorrow is Friday so we can see Merlin. And help me not get so annoyed at the ways kids in class keep talking.

Dad: Thank you God for a good boss, for my health and that of my parents and mom's parents, for the stupid funny videos of Key and Peele, for the great view I get from work everyday, for the 100% match that Microsoft makes when we donate to a charity. For tomorrow, please help me listen closely in a meeting that I think will be pretty stressful.

[Health]

Help sick people get better, like: Appa's cancer; Laurie's cancer; mom's foot; mama's foot; Father Fabian's knee; Father Tom's nerve problem; all the people hurt in the Nairobi attack; Ellis Uncle, Samson Uncle, Davis Uncle, Roms Uncle and baby Rafael.

[Death]

Help people go to heaven, including: Johnny Uncle; Father Phil; Sam's dad, Pat's dad, Sarah-Auntie's mom; Essie Auntie; Marimma Auntie; Joe Uncle; Appu Uncle; Thomas Uncle; Sister Angle Mary; Daisy Auntie; Hirana Auntie; Abey Chayan; Ackey Chayan; the people who have died in Syria, Egypt, Iraq and Afghanistan, and everyone else.

[Closing Prayers]

Dad: Sidd can you lead Our Father?

Sidd:

Our Father, Who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

All:

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil. Amen.

 

Dad: Paul, can you lead the Hail Mary?

Paul:

Hail Mary,

Full of Grace,

The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women,

and blessed is the fruit

of thy womb, Jesus.

All:

Holy Mary,

Mother of God,

pray for us sinners now,

and at the hour of death.

Amen.

All:

Glory be to the Father,

and to the Son,

and to the Holy Spirit.

As it was in the beginning,

is now,

and ever shall be,

world without end.

Amen.

All:

Angel of God, my Guardian dear,

To whom God's love commits me here,

Ever this day be at my side,

To light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Final Gesture

On the suggestion of a friend, after the boys are tucked in, I will give a blessing. "Pray that God will give you a deep and relaxing sleep."  This has become an **absolute** requirement that lauches them into the mystical land of dreams.

- - -

Now the real litmus test is if they will continue this when they are "on their own" be it a sleepover, camp, college, etc. I think a foundation is set, in addition to a force of habit, and a sense that the reflection closes out the day and sets up the next one. Time will tell, no?

Chuttumbee #1 turns 13

Dear Paul,

It was just yesterday that you were a bounding, chubby, little boy with an oversized laugh.  Endlessly curious.  A true lover of all things round.  Tires.  Wheels. Turntables.  Lug nut holes. Pots.  And an avid fan of trains.

A Newly Minted Teenager © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Fast forward to your 13th bday.  The toddler's shape has morphed into much more of a young man, for sure.  An up and coming young man whom I am so deeply proud of, full of love for, and feel deeply blessed to be the father of.  The laugh remains, but the curiosity seems dampened, weighed upon, by the distraction of apps and schoolwork that right now does not inspire you.

In truth, it is a age of new exploration.  Pop culture, music, social endeavors, technology & trends, these are the new elements in your life, replacing such toddler icons as "Thomas the Tank Engine".  Things move faster.  Life's discoveries are full of higher highs, more stresses and uncertainties.  It is more important than ever for you to know the essence that is "you," what is important, to trust your gut, clarify which of the many balls you juggle truly matter .

You are a concerned brother, an engaged son, a connected nephew / grandson / cousin.  Don't lose sight of the talents, treasures and time blessed upon you, and the world of wonder all around you.  These will steel & galvanize you for challenges that too often seem larger than they are in reality.  An already wondrous journey simply continues.

Love, Dad…

 

By the Waterfall © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Amazing Journey: Please, Avoid the Kid’s Menu

I know folks who will take their children to a fine dining establishment and then turn to the page of pedestrian choices like Chicken Fingers when it comes to choosing what their kids eat.  Why?

How does one go about expanding the horizons of young beings when in action you undertake such confining behavior?

We have gone out of our way to establish a simple approach.  “Take one Tyrannosaurus-sized bite of the items we order.  Then really taste it, feel the texture, smell the aroma, look at the dish.  Feel the hard, soft, hot and cold parts with your fingers. Rip it to shreds in every way you want.  After that, if you still feel it is not something you like, bravo, let’s order something else.”

The result has been certainly encouraging.  Both the 7 and 8 year old have little hesitation trying things.  When the opening question is “What’s a Gyro?”  as opposed to “I don’t like Gyro’s” you know you have a fighting chance.

The world is such a big place.  Every facet has to be approached like it may be the last time you traverse it.  Injecting that mindset into the food we eat certainly seems like like a way to set the stage for larger explorations, no?

Taiwanese Pork Burger, rather than chicken nuggets

Diamonds in the Rough

It was bed time but Paul had one of those reflective questions, “Dad, why do we do so many things?”

I figured I knew what Paul was referring to, but played dumb. Like what?

“Well, we have to read, and play piano, and kick the soccer ball and other things. I don’t think we get enough time to relax, and you know, goof around like boys do” Once again his 8 year old introspective side had kicked in. Sidd concurred with ruffled eyebrows.

I left them, got Molly’s wedding ring, ran outside, got a rock, and came back. They love superlatives currently so I asked, Do you know what is the hardest rock in the world? It’s the diamond, like in mommy’s ring. See how shiny it is?

What followed was a fierce, concentrated inspection; one that only a youngster can do.

Did you know that a diamond starts out as dull as this rock? But if you rub it and polish it over and over, boy, after doing this for a long time, it starts to shine. Then we give it edges so it captures the light and throws it back at you with all those sparkles.

Sometimes people call an unpolished diamond a “diamond in the rough”. That is what you 2 are – our diamonds in the rough. And all that math, and music, and soccer and other things are polishing you into these amazing boys. We need to make it fun along the way and if it isn’t you tell me.

Paul looked off into he distance as he digested this analogy. “I think I get it now, Dad,” He clambered into bed; it was a start at outlining why he was in the various things he is. But there would be more to discuss, undoubtedly.

Polishing Diamonds: Never Order From the Kid’s Menu

How often have you seen the following:  You are at a capable restaurant, with a menu renowned far and wide.  But you notice the younger ones at the party next to you are eating chicken nuggets.  From the kitchen freezer! Prepared in a microwave!  Not the salmon cooked to a delectable nuance.  Nor beef from some remote grassy pasture, or mushrooms good enough for a sitting president.

Funny part is that we are at our most malleable when we are young.  Yet we all too often pass on the chance to create a transcontinental palette in our children due to some queasy look they had at some misty point in the past.  Rather than keeping a firm hand on the tiller, we retreat for frozen lunch food.  Had Tiger Woods dad asked Tiger at the age of 2 what he thought of golf (remarkably, Earl started Tiger down this avenue before Tiger was two) the mystified look of the baby would have killed the whole venture before it has started.

So nudge them into the culinary unknown. Talk of what they will see in Kyoto and have them try Tempura.  Discuss Gaudi’s grand architecture and order up the Tortilla Espanola.  Before you know it, they will be perusing the menu, calling out combinations they like and what to try next.  And you will have broadened their world well before their first excursion across the ocean

Reinventing Haloween

Sidd was 14 months on his 1st halloween. He had rarely had candy and really had no clue what the evening's festivities were about. Paul at 3 was not much more clear on it. But they were a bit excited about getting out, and even at that age noticed the kids walking around in the evening with big smiles and bags or buckets with things in it.

At the 1st house we visited, Molly and I urged Sidd to extend a little bag we gave him. He looked very puzzled as a lady dropped 3 candies in, "oohing" and "aahing" at the site of the cute boys. He looked down at the candy, up at her, down again, paused, smiled, reached in, grabbed one of them, and triumphantly tossed it back in her platter. Afar as he was concerned, this was a fun new game.

The lady looked at Molly and I, thunderstruck. "My Lord, in 33 years, I have never had a child give me back candy! What a remarkable child!" Truth was he had no idea what to do, nor the signficance of these things being plopped into his bag.

So for 6 more houses, he came with great anticipation for the give /get game. And left the residents stupified at this toddler's behavior.

Paul was in deep observation of the colors, sounds, feels of the various Reese's, M&M's, and other candy wrappings.


US Athlete at Beijing Olympics... Teddy Bear... Out and About...
Abe Pachikara, Copyright 2009 (click for larger image)