Jeff Shushan's Intrepid Guidance

After a number of meetings with Jeff Shushan, a seasoned advisor on relationships in stress, Molly, myself and Jeff had agreed to prepare for a profoundly important milestone: we were going to undergo a trial separation. It was November of 2013.

Chuttumbee #1 Turns 15

My Dearest Pablo,

15 years ago yesterday the earth trembled as God sent one of his emissaries down to Earth.

That would be you. Happy B'Day.

The time has hurtled by and each year as we come upon your B'Day I am always deeply moved by how much, in one mere year, you change and your situation changes. Overall I get the sense high school has been a good thing for you, and that people (for example from the XC and robotics teams) enjoy and look forward to your presence among them. Shockingly, you are even leaner than a year ago ( I did not think that was possible) and you are DEFINITELY more sinewy and stronger - thanks to the entirely different level of athleticism from Coach Brad and the time and effort you have invested.

 
A Good Day
Abraham Pachikara, Copyright 2017 (Click for larger image)

A Pale Retelling of a Deeply Rich, Vibrant Life

I gave one of the eulogies at my dad’s funeral on Saturday, Jan 14, 2017. The event brought together aunts, uncles & cousins from both sides of the family, and long time friends.

Chuttumbee #2 Turns 12

Today, Sidd the kid turned an enthusiastic 12.  What a terrific treat.

For him, life is an expanding universe. The question 'How was your day?' is consistently answered by "Oh it was great!" followed by a rambling recount of the day's events and why they were better than expected. He sees opportunity all around him… our place is littered with PostIt notes of lists, and these bring a quiet chuckle from him about how he is knocking off item after item.

 Sporting His Summertime Haircut © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

So far, a sense of urgency guides his day. When visiting family, he will remind me, "Dad, let's only do things we cannot do at home… it's about experiences, right?" and he trots off to find and yammer with someone with whom we are visiting.

…But, the urgency can hold him hostage too. The weakness in this mindset is evident when he feels progress is not occurring as expected - he can shift all too quickly into a sullen, frustrated state. Someday he will be more self-aware of the connection between the situation and his disposition, and proactively navigate thru the dip.

 Tickled in and by London © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

As good as "Today" was, "Tomorrow" is even more promising… "I can't wait to go to 6th grade, I think I will be in at least 3 clubs and I signed up for the speech and debate option, that will be a lot of fun."

Fearlessness and fear co-exist, almost whimsically. Much larger, physically aggressive soccer players can’t bend his actions in a game (is it courage, or joy to the point of recklessness?) yet a meandering housefly or mosquito brings terror to his whole psyche. “Oh no, I think this kind stings people!”

 Defending the Goal © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Still a neophyte when it comes to being pranked. While he loves a good prank, he is STILL much more gullible at the receiving end of a prank. A few months ago, he phoned me. I answered,  "Kentucky Fried Chicken, can I help you?" I hadn’t even changed my voice, yet hook, line and sinker, he fell for it, to my amazement and glee. "Wait, I am trying to call my dad, how did I call you?"

Dear Siddo the Kiddo,

In the last year your personality has become more and more clear: you are truly generous in your ways to others, never hesitating to help out family and friends; you are more and more opinionated about the world around you - particularly the actions of our politicians; you are about taking action, using checklists, planning out your next move, urging others to prepare before an event. I love your ways of being an amazing brother, son, nephew and friend. It is an extreme blessing you are my son. Keep developing the 5 things you want to do when you grow up, this coming year is a big one - middle school!

Love, Dad…

 Hanging Out With Appa © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Bob Hall Pre-Empts Disaster

Here's a story common to so many people: a personality in one's life actively provides useful advice bringing success, or at least steers one away from a career debacle…

Part One: Trig Class

"Have you heard from Illinois?" It was Bob Hall's raspy whisper during his own senior level trigonometry class.

"I haven't applied yet."

"Really???" His eyebrows ruffled as they always did when he sensed trouble. "Leave now, go see Arnott, I think the deadline is real soon."

"Arnott" was Pete Arnott, the school guidance counselor, excluding “guidance” and “counselor.” Too many years with no real accountability had atrophied away whatever elements of "guidance" and "counselor" had ever existed. His windowless office was a numbing array of paper, skyscrapers of them actually. A cozy hideaway, sitting in neutral for years.

"Why hi Abe, what brings you here?" He was a nice enough guy. I explained Hall's concern.

"Hmmm, I don't know, let me see what that date is." He proceeded to scan his desk and other furniture - - a paper topography akin to the chaotic favelas of Rio, a completely discombobulated array of info.

"Actually, I will call over to Carbondale, that may be faster." Read: let me lean on someone who actually knows.

"Hi Trudy, this is Pete from over at Murphy High. Say when is the application deadline for U of I?.... Oh… OOOHHH… Okay, well we'll get right to it."

Then, calmly looking up, he smiled, "She said its due tomorrow Abe, so that's good, we have a whole day."

Welcome to college counseling, Pete Arnott style. "Oh look, here's one of the applications, so we won't have to drive over to Trudy's office." Pete was simply glowing.

Part Two: What's My Major?

That night, I completed the entire application, except for choosing my major - - a page with a dizzying array of checkboxes. Again, a topic I had not pondered and nor had anyone really broached with me. Just then my mom stuck her head into my room, "Santhosh, Dr. Menon is on the phone. Come and say hello." What luck. We only speak with my dad's good friend about once a year, and today was one of those instances. He had a PhD in Chemistry and was a walking encyclopedia.

Dr. Menon peppered me with questions such as, "How is high school? Are you excited about being a senior" I shared my current quandary.

"Don't worry, just check off Computer Engineering, Electrical Engineering, or Computer Science. Computers are going to be a big thing.  You certainly won't go wrong."

Done.

In a mere 6 hours, the path forward was crystalized. If Bob Hall and Dr. Menon had not interceded, and on that specific day, my destination would have been wildly different.

 Chatting with Bob  © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Blessed with Another Circumnavigation of the Calendar

It is my transcendent luck to see another birthday.  The same sublime drum beat carries on: so many treasures, so much time, and  talents afforded to me.  (I do need to use them more aggressively, no doubt.)

A couple of observations from my last b-day:

• From Instructor, Shifting to Mentor:  I did notice pretty vividly that I am shifting in my relationship with Paul and Sidd, from telling them lots of things, to spurring their thoughts on how to proceed. Then, they do more and more of what they think is right.  For me, this is hard but I love what I see happening.
• Regaining Long Lost Vitality is Elusive:  I used to routinely run 6 miles at a 7 min pace.  So I decided this year, let’s get back on that saddle.  The bad version of Amy Winehouse’s Rehab  song floated in my head as I trudged along, “I tried to go back to the track, and my body said, no, no, no.”  Perhaps a crash course in Cross Fit?
• Reconnecting with Old Friends, Via Skype: “What’s your Skype ID?” has been a regular question I asked in the past 12 months, and in most cases it has resulted in 1:1 video calls so enjoyable I left dismayed as to how or why on earth I wound up losing touch… and stopped talking with that personality so many, many years ago?  The 4-party Skype calls are an entirely different wooly beast of camaraderie – akin to a gusher of happiness flooding the soul.  The SAME interactions just burst to life from good hearted jamokes put into my orbit by divine providence.  The outcrops of foolishness, the whimsical demands, the trademark intonations - - none of these had ever stopped.  I simply cancelled my subscription for a few decades.  I would like to think it is something else, akin to a combination lock, where bringing us together in one point in time is what helped again surface some of these behaviors.  Yet that nagging question visits upon me once again - - “so why did you, or how did you lose touch with him or her?”

It is all goodness and I am manifestly lucky.  My whimsical journey continues, no?

Digital Foolishness © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Chuttumbee #1 turns 13

Dear Paul,

It was just yesterday that you were a bounding, chubby, little boy with an oversized laugh.  Endlessly curious.  A true lover of all things round.  Tires.  Wheels. Turntables.  Lug nut holes. Pots.  And an avid fan of trains.

A Newly Minted Teenager © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Fast forward to your 13th bday.  The toddler's shape has morphed into much more of a young man, for sure.  An up and coming young man whom I am so deeply proud of, full of love for, and feel deeply blessed to be the father of.  The laugh remains, but the curiosity seems dampened, weighed upon, by the distraction of apps and schoolwork that right now does not inspire you.

In truth, it is a age of new exploration.  Pop culture, music, social endeavors, technology & trends, these are the new elements in your life, replacing such toddler icons as "Thomas the Tank Engine".  Things move faster.  Life's discoveries are full of higher highs, more stresses and uncertainties.  It is more important than ever for you to know the essence that is "you," what is important, to trust your gut, clarify which of the many balls you juggle truly matter .

You are a concerned brother, an engaged son, a connected nephew / grandson / cousin.  Don't lose sight of the talents, treasures and time blessed upon you, and the world of wonder all around you.  These will steel & galvanize you for challenges that too often seem larger than they are in reality.  An already wondrous journey simply continues.

Love, Dad…

 

By the Waterfall © 2015, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger image)

Happy Holidays 2014 ! !

2014 has been a year our family will never forget, and I do hope you had a very big year too.

A Bigger Year Than Meets the Eye, © 2014, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images) 

As per the usual, Sidd, Paul, Molly and I wish you the best in this Holiday time. We pray this note finds you safe, sound, healthy and happy. If life has gone sideways, our prayers are with you.

Our family has had its share of adventures.

• The boys are in a good place.  Still the best of friends, still sinewy, still a deep source of goodness and light for Molly and myself.
• Sidd is 11 (5th grade) and certain his future has 5 pursuits. I see this as the start of a lifelong path that creates one's legacy.
• Paul is 12 1/2, (7th grade) and discovering, at times the hard way, the deep importance of clarifying your workload and staying ahead of it.  Grade 7 has been a surprise for him and it's never bad when something makes you up your game. One concern I have: for the first time, I don't really see school fundamentally inspiring him.
• Molly has formally entered back into the “traditional” job market - that is, being a stay at home parent when children are very young is a demanding pursuit unto its own: now that the boys are older, she has taken a project management role at Allstom Grid, and likes the colleagues & new challenges.
• I am in my 10th year at MSFT - and it continues to be interesting personally. At a macro level the company is materially, cohesively proving a clearer direction, gaining internal momentum, and finding its own rhythm, again.

Chuttumbee #2 Turns 11

Okay this is a VERY belated post and perhaps it is indicative of how time is so precious at the “start” and the “end” yet risks being commoditized in the middle by albeit pesky, urgent, trivial distractions.

Sidd @ 11 in his new fangled glasses, © 2014, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Sidd, my precious 2nd son, turned 11.  A couple of things to share are as follows:

He still has a deep enjoyment in sports – he continues to dislike watching from the sidelines or frankly in a living room.  At some point he will say, “I am going out” to do what is shown on the TV

His long term goals seem to be crystallizing – for the past year, he has shared the following repeatedly… “I am going to be 5 things when I grow up… an inventor, paleontologist, writer, illustrator and painter”

He’s still an insufferable fan of his own verbal diarrhea – Sidd will prattle on telling one stale joke after another, or hypothesizing aimlessly and fully enjoy it.  So far it is pleasant at the least and occasionally very interesting

He LOVES hanging out with people – Sidd summed this up repeatedly over the summer vacation trip to visit my parents and sisters, “Dad, it’s about people, not places. Can we just stay home and not go anywhere?”

He is fiercely focused – I introduced him to making lists and now I can find little Post It notes lying around all over the place,  with items crossed off.  “Dad, they say 5th grade is really hard, it’s an odd grade you know, so I have to really try herd.”

The carnivore in his has to be kept in check – we noticed that his weight surpassed Paul’s, then realized, ah it’s all the meat and cheese dude!

He is still his brother’s confidante and ally – I am wondering if and when they will go to a phase where they become more distant.  For now, that is not the case.

Ah I am deeply blessed.

Another Year Whizzes By at About Warp 4

Many adults no longer have a natural metronome to mark time skipping by.  For example, no formal undergrad, grad or vocational school programs, no children still in grade school.  Nothing to keep check of the passage of time.  In those cases, milestones like our own birthdays play a vital role.  Each “tick, tock” registers 365 days of living.

Dad and the Young Lads, © 2014, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Without birthdays, decades could sneak by without us taking note, or worse, allow us to play along with the lie that time has not passed under our noses.  So today I look back and measure the year.  As always, it has been a rich one on so many fronts, and a grand test on others.

Start with carbs, & eat dessert first.  Said another way, focus on experiences that are non-trivial, that you can only get enjoy and accomplish “now”.

Use Occam’s Razor in interpersonal relations.  Look for the simplest, most straightforward explanation that assumes the best of everybody.

Kids know their heroes, do you know yours? Learn from the people you admire the most, work for them, follow them.

Sometimes good health is only noticed when it is missing. My dad, who is has the healthy regiment of a young British soldier, fractured his ankle at a recent wedding.  Arguably, it was his unwavering schedule of walks and meditations that helped him avoid a more serious injury.  Yet seeing him in the following weeks made me VERY aware of how healthy he normally is.  How did I miss this otherwise?

Oh and count your blessings.  Take stock of every one of your talents, treasures and all the time given to you (so far).  I am amazed at how many times when people pray with our boys, and are asked to cite just 3 things to say thanks for, it is a royal struggle.  Three blessings?  You know it is a God full of unconditional love who can look down and smile on this, instead of fuming. 

• Pop Exercise:  Take out a sheet of paper, write “Thank you for…” and see how many items you can list in one shot.  Repeat in a week.  Do it for a year.  Now compare today’s sheet and next year’s.  You will be amazed how much more nuanced and aware you have become.

Chuttumbee #1 turns 12

Well an entire dozen years has flown by for Paul.  12 years?  Is it possible the infant I held just yesterday is now wearing shoes just 2 sizes less than mine?  The only thing more surreal is the consummate gift of getting to be his dad.

 Paul @ 12, © 2014, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Some observations:

I see glimpses of a much older person in him at times - like in this look above, and perhaps it is his words that imbue that interpretation.  "I am going to be coder, definitely, when I grow up."  This is less ethereal than "making a dinosaur factory" - an intent from 5 years ago.

Perhaps all the exposure to da Vinci has had an effect - he has an equal interest in art (loved a digital media option at school) and science (has demonstrated a steady interest in robotics).

The introvert in him is translating into an empath - he is very tuned into how others may react, and as example will casually turn to me and say, "I don't think that would be good to talk about right now".

He is reliable like the sunrise - I get a text each day between 3:00 and 3:03 saying "I'm home now."

He's still a very engaged sibling - Paul shows concern and genuine interest in Sidd's pursuits.  The two can easily while away a day in long  meandering conversations.  “Connected siblings” is a deeply held goal of mine - I know too many people whose sibling relationships dilute over time, which is to lose the most precious of family heirlooms.

In a mere 6 years he will embark on new adventures such as college (if colleges are needed still) - -perhaps somewhere far away from my place of residence - - - and I for one am in no rush for that milestone.  The last 12 years have been nothing if not remarkable.  Needed is to triple my ability to savor the fleeting moments whizzing by me now.

 Paul, Take 2, © 2014, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Hey, I Can Play This Game

Halloween 2004: Sidd's first,  just 1 year and 2 months old; Paul's second.  I had the idea of dressing Sidd as an athlete at the Beijing Olympics.   Molly got an outfit from Chinatown in Boston and I made a sash akin to that worn at the opening ceremonies.

We were greeted at the first house by a lady in her 60s.  She melted into teary eyed smiles, overwhelmed by the deafening cuteness of the two baby boys.  After tossing a couple of candies into Paul's outstretched bag, she paused for Sidd, but he simply looked up at her and smiled.

I nudged him so that his tiny arms held out his tiny bag.  The lady tossed in a couple of candies.  Puzzled, Sidd peered down into the bag, back at her, and back to the bag.  Then those furrowed eyebrows cleared up, and with a big smile he reached down, grabbed the candy and tossed it back on to her tray.  A tiny, mischievous laugh erupted.  His face beamed, "hey, I can play this game, lady!"

She looked at me, thunderstruck.  "Never in 36 years, NEVER, has a child given back candy to me.  Most don't even say thank you.  You have one amazingly generous little one!"  Sidd was still squealing with laughter, and just staring at her.

I tried to clarify that he had no clue how Halloween “works,” & that this may change in the coming years (believe me, it has).  But to no avail: she would not buy any of it.

We only went to a few more homes as the Boston night air was a bit cold yet the same ritual played itself out.   Sidd was having so much fun he would try to trot ahead when we arrived at a new house.  A little boy's mis-interpretation translated into big-hearted generosity that left him short of candy, but having a ball and handing out an unexpected Treat on Halloween.

 
Sidd, the Olympic Hopeful...;  Paul, Your Friendly Neighborhood Honey Bear, © 2004, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images) 

Chuttumbee #2 Turns 10

Sidd turns 10 today - 10 solid, unfailing years of joy.  So here are the words of a “proud pappa” - - you will need to bear with me as I am quite beside myself with elation.

He is smart, affectionate, bursting with energy, fart jokes (and farts too, to be frank,) a great fan of his own comedy, and for the most part quick to come to a decision.  He's his brother's best friend, and vice versa. The chap loves long, meandering and all too mumbled a conversation, not just with his peers, but with his grandparents, aunts / uncles and cousins. And because of the good guidance of his older bro, he has become a voracious reader.

His over-confidence may get him into trouble (as example this past spring, when as a 3rd grader he played soccer with 6th graders at some personal risk to himself) but it also will mean he will try new things. His current schtick when asked a question is to start his response, "Here is my answer with no hesitation…"  So far, he doesn’t tie his outcomes so tightly to himself that it makes him gun-shy on the next round: when an endeavor or effort fails, he usually shrugs it off with a laugh, "well, I guess that was not very good."

Like Paul, he has embraced snooty foods but is more of a carnivore: as you see here he is sitting happily with cheeses, especially smoked gouda (his preferred temptation after my dad introduced it to him), hot Capicola, and a brick of Callibaut French milk chocolate.  Nice choices, Sidd!

 
Happy as a Clam, at Big John's PFI in Seattle...;  Back at Home with friends, Chocolate, Gouda and Capicola, © 2013, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

How lucky I am today - I have not one but two children blessed many times over with more goodness that I could ever expect.

SIdd @ 10, © 2013, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Chuttumbee #1 Turns 11

Eleven blustery years ago, Paul Sebastian Allessandro Pachikara came barreling into this grand world, bristling with ideas, observations, a hearty laugh and a big heart. I am so very proud of how he is growing up, but a bit wistful at the speed of time.

• He is pure muscle and sinew still - when he raises his arms up, his entire back comes alive with ripples.  He can run 20 mins after school, walk 1/2 mile home and then go for a solid hour of soccer practice on a high school sized field with the only result being a flushed face.
• He is a prolific creator - Minecraft is his current tool of choice.  Concoctions range from a Greek styled hotel, to a dream house perched on a mountain top surrounded by a moat filled with lava, and a train system that zips from this perch, to his hotel, to another villa across the bay. Architecture and design swirl in his head. Dubai airport and the gadgets in the Emirates Airlines 777 were as head spinning as the rest of the trip to India this past December. 
• “Dad, I want to be a polymath, like Da Vinci.”  Paulito is fluent in Lego Mindstorms (just built his first "Sumo-bot") and dabbles in Kodu and Khan Academy coding exercises, and has expanded this year from Piano to also learn Clarinet.
• He’s self-aware.  He truly understands temptation and how it can be easier to avoid it than challenge it, and has gracefully grokked the growing demands of school, adjusting accordingly.
• He’s active yet detached.  He ran for treasurer ("something told me in my heart to do more, dad") including making a humorous poster & speech video, but was not too set back when he lost.  "Dad, Rotum won, she's super nice and everyone knows her.  Oh well."
• He’s filling in the gaps.  He has methodically addressed each part of schooling that was a gap.  God bless JK Rowling and Rick Riordan’s for making reading fun.
• He is still a vivid, engaged compadre. Paul is still a very active brother to Sidd, knows and easily chats with extended family, and keeps a loyal friendship with a couple of other kids, particularly his long-time buddy, Will.

I don't know where the future will go as 6th Grade means no more daily meandering walks home with Sidd (Paul needs to now take the bus), more workload, more juggling. But I am deeply blessed by the chap he is turning into. Life is full of blessings and surprises, and Paul and Sidd are the most humbling yet.

Paul @ 11, © 2013, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

In the Land of Magic and Logic

In the toddler era, magic exists and is real, plain and simple. For example, the anticipation of a visit by the Tooth Fairy for a newly fallen tooth. First she is a mystical being, magically swapping a precious tooth for a well earned buck. A "few teeth later", she is someone from whom a service is expected. Then it transitions to a re-assuring tradition but not one that meets increasing expectations.

And then, logic and knowledge crowd their way into one's conscience. Concepts like "permanent teeth," and how they naturally push out “baby teeth.” Magic of a medical kind, yes, but, well, it extracts a dear expense: the tooth fairy's sparkle fades a bit. As interesting to me is how one does not immediately realize when an "old era" is fading. There's usually a new tradition or habit distracting us away.

Envelope 1: An Early Request, © 2011, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Envelope 2: Clearer and Bolder, © 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Envelope 3: Pushing for Too Much, Perhaps? © 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Partners in the Journey

Here’s an engaging set of gentlemen:  a grandfather and his two grandsons.

Dressed up for a snappy event and ready to make their way thru the evening’s crowd of party goers. 

The younger two have the optimism, energy and unfettered whimsy of youth.  The older one carries the wisdom, appreciation and peacefulness of years of great work helping thousands of patients, staying involved with immediate and extended family, and applying nuanced lessons from many journeys. 

(Perhaps due to my outsized interest in Mafia stories like The Godfather and The Sopranos, I personally saw a benign version of a Mafia Don and two Consiglieri.  I know, I know, it’s a stretch.)

Together they create a rare brew, a natural fit with each other.

 

Sidd Looking Pensive;  Paul in His Hand Picked Fedora
© 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

 

Appa, and the Two Chuttumbees
© 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Chuttumbee #2 Turns 9

9. Yes, he is now 9.

And, yes, he still tracks his birthday’s like NORAD monitoring an ICBM coming from Siberia. Certainly, things are evolving perceptibly – I did notice he’s not as vocal about the birthday, the excitement is not as unbridled. But unchanged is the underlying anticipation, & birthday related questions that casually arise 10 weeks prior to the event. “I wonder what Susieauntie will get me…” “That would be so cool to have a party when we visit Pappa and Momma in Atlanta, and Amma and Appa in Murphysboro, AND then have one at home.” “I hope Grant comes to my birthday…”

Sidd @ 9, © 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

So how else is Sidd changing? 

• In the past year, some of the magic of his world, and the related initial cast of mystical characters, are under scrutiny.  “Okay Dad, tell me, is Santa really real?”  “The tooth fairy didn’t take my tooth last night.  Maybe she only goes to see really little kids.”
• Computer Games are making a firm presence in his (and his older brother’s) life. Our parental defense is vigorous and so far keeping things in moderation. But computer games have the same remarkable, relentless urge of a cigarette, or shot of whiskey, or a slot machine. I am hoping Kodu and Digipen will channel this energy.
• His social side is increasingly pronounced. He continues to prefer hanging out with people more than visiting a museum or monument.  Less expected: about 6 months ago, he declared that he would take care of getting everyone their juice, water, etc. Then came mixing mango juice with cranberry juice. Seeing the positive reception, he started tinkering with portions and names. “Would you like one of my Red Tornadoes”? That is 4 parts mango, 1 part cranberry.  Keeping the party going, all good people in one happy room, that is his mission.

If there is one relentless anchor (aside from his brother, parents and extended family) it is Legos.  The mythology of Bionicles, the trance-like immersion when using the actual bricks, the ephemeral ideas so vividly created so rapidly by each new contraption.  On many mornings, I seem him up early, eyebrows furrowed in deep thought on how to create a new gizmo.  It is humbling how something so seemingly simple can keep his interest.  (Long overdue is the well earned induction of Legos’ creators into the Nobel Prize’s hall of fame.)

The other constant: his deep engagement with his brother, Paul.  They wrestle together, increasingly chat about school, go round and round with fart jokes until they melt onto the floor from the exhaustion of laughing, and generally show support for each other.  This may change as time goes on, but so far, its been a deep collaboration.

Chuttumbee #1 Turns 10

I am again humbled at the speed of time.  Here we are at Paul’s 10th birthday.  Just “yesterday” he was just a rolly, polly little tike hyperventilating as he considered the thrill of trying to walk 3 feet. 

So much has changed. 

He is far more athletic than say at age 6.  Physically, he is still sinewy as last year; and mentally, he is an abstract thinking lad. More importantly, he is pretty much fearless.  He will try new things, stand up to an opponent in soccer or basketball games, get in front of his class to share his POV, and do so with a smile.  I have hundreds of game photos of him, in the throws of a soccer game, big Cheshire cat smile on his mug.  Even his coaches will raise this – “the one thing about Paul, he is always enjoying his time on the field.”  We should all hope for this outcome when we are immersed in combat, no?  Actually, it must be a bit unnerving to engage him. 

And his somewhat introverted ways shield him (so far) from worrying too much what others think.  I would have never realized introverts carry this advantage without seeing him in action.  He undertakes a course of action because, well, he wants to; other opinions don’t have much gravity.  (How do we preserve this way of thinking?)

Computers and him have some manner of intersection.  Two weeks ago my mobile phone rang.  This is Abe, I said.  “Dad, it’s me.  DId you know you can make shapes in Microsoft Word?  Like triangles and boxes?  It is amazing!”  If that rocked his world, you should have seen his reaction to “Track Changes” in Word.  “Wow!  That is amazing!  I have to use this!”  Really?  What, in your homework?  Are you pulling my leg or does this really wind you up?

Paul’s dramatic manner of viewing the world is articulated elsewhere also.  “Dad, it rained so hard today, it felt like the whole world was weeping!”  Today I say more prayers of thanks for such a treasure wafting its way into my life. 

Paul @ 10, © 2012, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Counting on Dad

I recall Father's Day back in 2008 when Sidd’s classroom had an event for fathers to join.  I came 5 minutes late.  I was ambling down the hallway in the school and saw his face peaking around the edge of the doorway, hoping to see me.  Immediately, he came trotting out, whispered "come on Dad" in his soft spoken voice, grabbed my hand and led me into the room. 

I realized (once again) how much these small moments count and reinforce our relationships, how I had in truth trivialized it in my head, and how missing such an occasion is a much bigger deal than I had realized.

I had put much less weight into my attendance than he had.  On the way back to work, I said a small prayer of thanks that I had NOT missed this event for some pedestrian commitment at the office - I do that far too often.  Again, good dumb luck had prevailed over ignorance.  Make no mistake, I have certainly had precious moments occur without my attendance.  But I have come to realize the experiences we create with our family and friends are among our most sublime treasures.

Father’s Day, 2008 with Dad, © 2008, Abe Pachikara (Click for larger images)

Presence and Absence

My oh my, I am shocked how far away a loved one goes when they die.  I personally find it so hard to get used to the total and complete absence of their physical presence – there is just not a trace of them to be found. I keep expecting them to come thru a doorway, to call, to bump into them at a get together of the usual personalities, to see them at a table sitting. 

Yet, they keep showing up, unannounced, into my thoughts.  It is maddening how I cannot predict the next time a rumination will come into my head that is related to them. Places. Food. Stories. People. They hit me with the speed and sting of a jab by Mohammed Ali. Before I can see it, it has struck and I am lucky if it only stings; many times it feels like a freight train with 117 cars rumbling thru me.  Please Lord, just let me know it is coming, will you? I don’t like it when these remembrances come unannounced and uninvited in the middle of my drive home, a call, or a meeting at work.

Of some solace after a long search was the following prayer, which has helped me greatly:

Prayer for the Dead

God of life,
Those whom we love die,
but our relationship to them continues.
Lead me to be thankful for all that they have shown me
about loving deeply, living wisely, and knowing You.
 
Help me to notice those
moments of my life
when I act, think, or believe
because of something
that they have brought
to birth in me.
 
Remind me to pray for them
and to ask for their assistance
in my need.
 
Even though I miss them deeply,
allow me to understand we still belong together
and will one day embrace again in your kingdom. 
 
Amen